Life with a Loss

"Death is the only inevitable of life "

Every being born on this earth, has to die. That is the ultimate truth of life. - I understand the profound philosophy of this truth. I know I have to face this for all my near and dear ones and for myself too. With all my life's trials and tribulations - I too have my fears. Through my tough times, I never feared of my death - the thought is hilarious to me. So what if I die ? I don't know. Do I care about the effects my death would have - maybe not, maybe yes. But let me talk about my deepest and profound fears - I only fear death - for it may snatch away the two most important human beings of my life - my life givers - my parents - my mother and father.

My father - His loss is what makes me pour out my thoughts here. As much as i think i am part of my mother's soul - my father has been my guide and protector. He has been there for me since i was born- my provider - my backbone of life. His support to me cannot be expressed in writing alone. The bond which i shared with my father was just like any father-daughter bonding, but that bond has been so strong, that I think everything else in life fades away even in its memory. My father taught me to live life, he taught me to learn from his mistakes and he taught me to take life head on. "Do what pleases you, you live life only once" was his oft repeated words. And he lived by example. He was a smoker, and any attempt to stop him, he would reprimand me "I know this is a vice. But i just cant give it up. If by stopping smoking, i would live to be 75, and by smoking i should die at 68, so be it, i prefer the latter. At least i would die in peace that i have no regrets" And he welcomed death at 68 - the medical reasons did not attribute it to his smoking. And only i know that he lived his thoughts too. he just did not preach, but be practiced till his last breath.

When he was in a critical condition, deep in my mind I knew that his time has come to leave me. I hoped against hope that he will continue to live with me, but i did not want him to live in any kind of pain or discomfort. I understood death was inevitable to any human being. I prayed to the Lord, from the bottom of my heart - "God, if you have destined him to live without pain and discomfort, let him come out of this condition, else let him rest in peace in your lotus feet" God answered my prayers and made him an angel. My prayers were answered. I performed the last rites for my dad, with no tears in my eyes. My relatives and friends were perplexed. I comforted them that my dad does not like me to cry, so i am his brave daughter. The rites and rituals performed, i prayed again that my dad's soul should rest in peace and all his sins, if any, forgiven.

But at that time little did i realise, that was not the end of grief for me. It was only the beginning. How much i miss him now, cannot be expressed in words. From the time i wake up in the morning till i retire for the day, from my dressing to office or parties to what I eat, from my social friends to my acquaintances - my dad heard me all. He emptied me in a manner, that for each new day i was a clean board. History of my life was in memory to keep the learning's, but each day i lived in the present as a present. The corner of the board was my plan for the future, my dashboard. Now i need to do it in memory only. He made it a habit, and not it is part of me. He is not there in person, but his loving hand is there guiding me and pushing me to the next level.

The loss is physical. My prayers answered on his death bed is no longer a thing to rejoice - especially when i am depressed and he is not there to comfort me. So there is my next prayer - "God when am i going to be next - as soon as possible cos this lack of physical bonding is unbearable and this time please Lord, it should be with my soul too - cos she cannot live without me". My friends refrain me from such prayers as i have my son to raise. But God is the all provider. He has guided me for a year now without my father, he will guide my son through without his mother. And maybe my son too will have his own perception of Death and Bonding !!